This vulnerable and very personal testimony is for all my ladies who are/have ever struggled with body image issues.
Two years ago I was sitting in my small dorm room with my best friend and roommate at the time, sweet Lizzie. It was one of those late college nights where you stay up WAY too late, regardless of that next mornings 830 class, and talk about anything and everything for hours. I remember arriving at the topic of body image. In that moment, my almost 200 pound and 5 foot 3 self was overcome with shame. I remember in a moment of sheer vulnerability and trust of Lizzie telling her that I hated the way I looked and had for as long as I could remember.
You see, I had always been overweight. From the time I was a child, I couldn’t seem to pass up that extra brownie or get myself to eat healthy foods. As time passed, it just got worse. I gained more than my fair share of my freshman 15 before my freshman year even began… So here I was, an insecure girl in her first year of college opening up to this girl she barely knew because it was finally time to get ahold of herself.
On that night something changed for me. Looking back I genuinely believe something so deeply ingrained into my self concept was set free, but at the time I was simply determined to change the way I saw myself. So about a month later it all began. More specifically, it began on January 29th of 2018. However, I didn’t tell a single person except Lizzie for months. Looking back I think it’s because I thought I would fail and didn’t want anyone judging me if I did. But in all reality, having Lizzie be the only one that knew was the best possible outcome because my new life changing habit was just for me.
I had dieted time after time in the past but none had ever stuck for long enough. However, I had done it enough times that I knew if I could just make it two weeks without cheating I could go for as long as I was determined to. So I did just that. And well, as you may have guessed from the title of this blog, about 6 months and a little over 60 pounds later I felt like a completely different person.
I can’t even begin to explain what my new found confidence did to my self esteem. I felt for the first time in my life I was beautiful. Trust me when I say I did all I could to show off my new body too. I walked around in crop tops and skinny jeans and began my second year of college with a determination to dress nice as much as possible. I was so incredibly proud of myself, but what I loved more than anything was everyone’s reactions. Almost every single person in my life commented on it, and I cannot even begin to count the number of times someone came up to me and said, “OMG you look great, well, of course not to say you didn’t look great before, but ya know..” That was actually one of the most common reactions I received. But that didn't faze me at all, because in my eyes my weight loss was simple.
Before I was ugly and now I was beautiful.
But wow was I wrong.
You see, something was still deeply missing. I may have thought I was beautiful because I lost weight, but when it would fluctuate even a little bit or I didn’t fit in a pair of jeans correctly for example, I would look in the mirror and see that same “fat girl.” It was a few months in that I realized my issue was never with a number on a scale, but rather a deeply seeded heart issue that had been present for a long time.
I didn’t find myself beautiful as a person. And no number on a little square can EVER define that kind of true beauty.
It’s funny, I actually sat down to write this blog three semesters ago, but never could actually get myself to write words on the page. The idea was inspired fully and completely by Jesus, but he actually hadn’t taught it to me when he introduced the idea.
So, here I was, sitting in a coffee shop with an idea that even though I had lost 60 pounds, none of that actually mattered unless I found myself beautiful inside. So I talked to Jesus about it. I asked for confidence and inner beauty. But most importantly I pressed into his spirit. Three semesters ago was very significant for me because I made it a daily priority to journal, read the Bible, and talk to Jesus.
I wish I could say there was a defining moment after that I began to see myself as beautiful. But, just like SO many things in life, that self concept came very slowly. As I pressed into Jesus and what he thinks about me, I began to slowly believe that about me too, putting it into practice however didn’t come as naturally. And then I met Taylia.
Taylia's one of those people you meet who you simultaneously don’t know how you could live without and feel like you’ve known for a lifetime. In the short semester of knowing her, she showed me without a doubt what actually putting into practice what Jesus says about you looks like. She walks around with a confidence in herself I’ve never quite seen. She speaks absolute life into herself and does it with a humble confidence that can only come from Jesus.
So with some Christ like example, a daily pressing into Jesus, knowing WHAT he says/thinks about us, I found my beauty.
I’ve actually gained ten pounds since I lost all that weight, but ya know what? I’ve NEVER felt more truly beautiful. I try to get to the gym and workout multiple times a week and I go through seasons of life where that works and where it doesn’t. Sometimes I go on spurts of healthy eating, but most of the time I just try to eat balanced and happy. My life is far from perfect and trust me I have my fair share of days where I’m bummed that pair of jeans doesn’t fit like it used to. But Jesus showed me that I am beautiful, and I know in my soul of souls that he can show you that too.
I pray so deeply that you begin to press into finding that inner confidence if you don’t already have it. Because HE, the one who made you, finds you so incredibly beautiful and perfect, and he would love nothing more than to show you that for yourself.
With all my love and prayers,
Elizabeth Ann
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